[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
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I was bored.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.