Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.