M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.