think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”