*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’m tired tomorrow.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?