Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
one of
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game