Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
english majors be like furthermore
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.