If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.