When does CPR become necrophilia?
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.