Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
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Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!