How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: