They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.