A woman drives into a bar.
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.