can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.