ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”