I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery