Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Follow me for more life hacks.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?