I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
whatcha thinkin bout
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
operators are standing by to ignore your call
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.