Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that