Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
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me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Received some very disappointing news today
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane