Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
We’ve all been there…
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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