I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
You Might Also Like
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“You’d better run, egg!”
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
my astrological sign is a french fry
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.