*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy