I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
What the hell happened here.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.