Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
This is so me 😂😂
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Awesome parenting 😂
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.