The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.