I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
it be like that
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.