To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please