Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Good news
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Krampus.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia