[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no