Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
sugar glider wrangler
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler