GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock