Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
work smarter, not harder
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.