(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
You Might Also Like
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
sensitive skin
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I’m already scared
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.