There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
getting groceries
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”