Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
You Might Also Like
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Favourite diary entry ever
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”