Harsh but fair
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my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!