I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Tell the colonel to bring it
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Probably my best painting.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Me trying to look natural in photos
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My last name is Zilla.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling