ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.