A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You Might Also Like
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)