absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
This dude got his own movie?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Finally, a door that understands me
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
This kid will have a bright future.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.