if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
knights of the ikea table
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.