Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.