The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
😆this is so true
Best mom ever 😂
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*