*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes