Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece