My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Get in loser we鈥檙e going crying
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Sorry. Not sorry
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they鈥檝e obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you鈥檙e jealous if someone beats you.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Meanwhile in Paris.. 馃檹
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Has there ever been a more American story?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall