After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
new shirt idea
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I think this cat is broken
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…