I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
You Might Also Like
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?