i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Breaking news:
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
*orders delivery*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools